can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i now understand why vodka
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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