We won't sleep together?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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