Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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