I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish i was in the wii world.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
