I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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