Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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