I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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