I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
