So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
