I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
