i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
