He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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