Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
