so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
