someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
