I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
