he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
