i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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