I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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