Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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