do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
