People with herpes should wear stickers.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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