i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The beer is more important than you right now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
