I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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