You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
