I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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