hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
