She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
