why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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