i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
