If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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