Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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