I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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