i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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