I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
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