I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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