So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
