I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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