she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im six kinds of drunk right now
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
