all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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