why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
