totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
