I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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