My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
