I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
