We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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