i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
