WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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