new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
