I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
