I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
